IF I LOVE YOU, SUGAR
If I love you,
I will love you slow.
A creamy, cottony cloud
Swimming in the blue sea?
Slow.
If I love you,
I have already imagined
You lifeless. I have let hot tears
Scald my cheeks, I have cried
Until my head hurt and
my heart shrinked and I couldn’t breathe.
Honey, if I love you?
I have already written you
13 different eulogies,
I have already mourned you,
have had grief skin me through.
If I love you,
I stroke your hair,
And I trace your eyebrows.
You see, I love better when I
Touch you. I need to touch you,
to learn you – the warmth,
The skin, the slouch, the carelessness
In sleep, the lopsided smile,
The dimple on your chin.
And
If I love you,
I want you to hold me too
In your clumsy, cold hands.
Let our bodies talk,
while our silences become friends.
On most days, I forget
About my collarbones hiding
Underneath sun burnt skin,
I forget I have elbows, knuckles,
Shoulder blades, and toes and thighs,
And when you hold me, my love,
My body is on a train far
From forgetting. My body
In your hands, is a little epiphany.
If I love you,
You cannot let
Your phone battery die
because “the number you are
calling is currently switched off’
equals a funeral scene in my
fucked up mind.
If I love you,
I hold my breath and
Face the ceiling, I count
My fears, and the times
I caught you giggling,
Until the flight has landed,
And the bus carrying you
Has stopped moving.
If I love you, sugar,
I am a shameless singer,
An enthusiastic letter writer,
an ardent kisser. I kiss you
over and over and over,
If I love you,
I make sure you know I do.
There are no games and no
riddles, just vulnerable confessions, honest conversations, telling you
What it means for me, to
Listen to you breathe,
To have your hand on my cheek,
To have your voice conjure
a storm in my paper thin veins,
to have you kiss the hollow
of my neck, to have you hush, hush
hush, my raging, maddening brain,
to have a love like yours
hold close, hold safe,
a terrified love like mine.
If I love you,
I love you hard,
I take my time and love you slow.
A creamy, cottony cloud
Swimming in the blue sea.
This is what my heart feels like,
When I am in love with thee.